Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day 3, Migraine

Van Gogh, visipix.com
The headache was there waiting when I woke at 2:30 am and when I woke at 6:30 am, upon which I decided to get out of bed and birth this blog so that I might make some sense out of this suffering before I bailed on it.

The truth is that I appreciate the restriction of the diet.  I appreciate the attention to my eating habits--to my ruts--and how it forces me out of them. Without sugar or salt or baked goods, I've been able to savor the delicacy of simple flavors. And this feels good, and right, and true.

On the upside of pain,the headache has been an excellent distraction from the mental and emotional anguish over the deprivation of food. And that makes me realize how pathetic I am, how entitled I've become around meeting my every craving; and how necessary this discipline is, despite and because of the pain.

Day 2, The Fog

Stringberg, visipix.com
 I had all intentions of accompanying my son to All School Sing this morning, but my head was in such a fog. (TMI alert~I was also afraid to be too far from my toilet.)

I opted out on taking the next dose of the detox regimen with my morning pudding since my doctor said to back off if I didn't feel well.  I'd take one with my stir fry at lunch.

By mid-day however, all I wanted to do was sleep so I skipped that dose too. I dragged myself upstairs to collapse on the bed, adding an eye mask to block out the bright sun.  Afterward I planned to take a vigorous walk like I had the day before with Jess in order to do the requisite sweating.

But I felt just as tired after my nap as I had before it.  All I could manage was a convalescent stroll down to the pond where I squatted against a rock, and wished the ground wasn't damp so that I could lie down and go to sleep.

By the time I got back up my driveway, every horizontal surface appeared as a place for reclining and I had flash backs of my semester at college with mono.

 This must be the "retracing" that I read about online.  In some yet mysterious way, detoxing apparently releases old illness patterns.  I worried what would come next.  I certainly abused my liver in my hey day, growing up on an island town where drinking was a competitive sport.

By night fall, I had a miserable headache so I skipped the last dose of my protocol too, wondering if it was the pills or the dietary restriction that were causing this suffering.  I also began to question whether or not I would be able to continue with the cleanse--which given the investment at the doctor's office, and the pharmacy, and the return trip to the grocery store, would be a very costly failure that I couldn't afford.

Note: here's the detox supplement that my doctor prescribed for me:

Day 1, 11-11, The Hero's Journey

Spitzweg, visipix.com

 I woke early prepared to face the great challenge that lie aheadWhat would I eat for breakfast? 

While nibbling the last bites of a sesame bagel the previous evening, I drafted a list of possibilities--most of which included rice. I cooked up two pots--one for savory dishes, and another for sweet--albeit without any sweetener.

At 6:30 on the morning of the first full day of my "cleanse", I heroically toasted pecans and dusted apples with cinnamon to add flair and sustenance to my breakfast pudding simmering on the stove. 

An hour later, my youngest came galloping down the stairs saying, "Yum! Rice pudding, can I have some?" I begrudgingly doled out a small bowl of my only provisions, as he sat down to a breakfast of Gail's farm eggs, Canadian bacon and toasted oat bread from Amy's Bakery on Main Street. 

At 8:30, the phone rang, and I received the news that set the dire need for a cleanse into motion tow week earlier. It was a Friday afternoon when I had an interview with this organization that knocked my socks off. Afterward, I met my husband at a Tavern where we shared the fateful chicken wings that attacked my gallbladder for hours into a sleepless night.

For days I couldn't eat a thing without great suffering which is what brought me to my doctor's office and dumped me into this strange world without gluten or dairy or sugar or alcohol or I can't remember what else, but it's bad.

"Kelly, if you're still interested in working with us, we'd like to offer you the position," the voice on the phone said, not knowing that I would only be eating rice for three weeks.

My friend Jess arrived an hour later for our walk, presenting me with two celebratory scones.


"I can't.  I told her. I'm on a three-week liver cleanse."

"You?" she said.  "I thought you only thought about cleanses, but didn't actually do them."

"I know, I know," I said. "But this time, I don't have a choice."

"I'm so sorry," she said, with a sincerity that I dismissed as disproportionate.

I didn't tell her that I had just started the cleanse an hour earlier.  I wasn't sure she could understand how hard it had been to face a morning without green tea and toast, and how there was no way I could endure starting all over again having made it this far into this insane commitment.

But Jess understood more than I knew.  She did the same cleanse last spring and had even invited me to do it with her. Knowing that, I should have been more suspect of her compassion and concern, but I had yet to learn what lie ahead...


ps. The Moosewood is where I found the recipe for the rice pudding which I made with rich soy milk.  Mollie offers good, wholesome recipes in all her cookbooks.   As far as soy milk, there's only one I really like for its rich, satisfying flavor, and that's Eden Soy in the original flavor. It's great for making chai too!

Day 0, The Last Supper

da Vinci, visipix.com
 After hosting a dozen people at my table during an extended weekend of company, I was forced to squeeze in another trip to the grocery store before my doctor's appointment. I wish I hadn't. By the time I left the office, the sun had fallen behind the hills, and I walked toward my car in a daze.  I needed to go shopping all over again.

Most of what filled the burgeoning bags in the back of my trunk were on the "not allowed" side of the goldenrod paper trembling in my hand.  Right away, my mind drifted toward the soft sesame bagels that I had selected for an easy dinner.

Despite 12 days of stomach pain, I decided that I wouldn't begin the much needed liver cleanse until after I enjoyed my last supper.