Day 20, Thank YOU!

Trachsel, visipix.com

 Hard to believe that I've gone from The Last Supper (21 days ago) to the last eve before my cleanse ends.  Honestly, I wouldn't have made it without YOU. Knowing that there was someone out there commiserating with me or even sharing the journey made it possible to stick it out, and more importantly, to make meaning of it.

I know it's not world peace or even world hunger, but it did factor large in my day to day life, just as I know it can for others. Our relationship to food is very complex--involving both hunger and inner peace--and lots of other stuff best shared with a therapist :)

When I look back over the past three weeks, what stands out for me most, is the holiday when I intentionally stepped off the wagon. In that letting go, I found a softer orientation than I typically hold with my critical endeavors. Most importantly, I found that even in my imperfection, I could return to the diet with ease and success.

This Friday I see my doctor again and I suspect that this cleanse may need to be repeated and even incorporated into my life on a regular basis given my growing digestive issues. Had she suggested this three weeks ago, I would have just given up.  But now, it seems less daunting; because I know how good it feels inside.

Of course, once back into my normal eating routines, I may forget the benefits of cleansing, much like we all do when we stop an exercise regime; but now I'll have the diary to remind me--and hopefully lots of you--who need reminding too, about how good it feels to cleanse the body and make it light and whole.

On this last eve of my cleanse, I'd like to share a passage from a book my husband read during his Yoga Teacher Training at Kripalu Center in Lenox, Massachusetts. I "stumbled" upon this part when he left the book out on the coffee table (aka. next to the toilet.)

 "Participants report that (cleansing) not only revitalizes the body, it also provides an opportunity to recalibrate your relationship to food."

It's this recalibration that I have most appreciated about the cleansing diet. The restrictions allowed me to rediscover the pleasure of fruit, and the delight of a greater variety of vegetables. It's helped take away my reliance on caffeine and sugar as a pick me up. My mood has stabilized as a result.  This has supported my transition into the realization of one of my life's dreams which was serendipitously manifested in tandem with this cleansing journey.

"When the body is sluggish and the world is viewed through a thick filter of emotional baggage and mental clutter, it is impossible to see reality clearly and respond appropriately."

 May all those who follow find the same benefit,

Fondly,
Kelly

Day 19, Quinoa Anyone?

Years ago, I was introduced to an ancient grain called "quinoa." Out of curiosity (and an elevated sense of my willingness to be "healthier"), I bought some, but then never used it.  I seem to do that a lot with things to which I'm not accustomed.

Fortunately, in desperation for something other than rice, this diet has forced me out of my food ruts.  This morning, I finally made some hot cereal with quinoa flakes and it was surprisingly nice.  I added some apple slices and a bit of Agave Syrup--my new friend--and enjoyed a cooked breakfast reminiscent of the cream of wheat that my mother used to make me.

Who knew that agave was so good or that you could get it in other flavors?  I was always afraid of it, thinking it would taste sacchariny sweet like stevia; but it's more of a subtler cross between maple syrup and honey.  I even found some "Baileys" flavored agave to liven up the afternoon tea.

Interestingly, the easiest item to have relinquished from my diet is caffeine, and I've suffered headaches when I reintroduced it over the holiday with sips of coffee.

 Consuming wheat again had its effects too--with bloating and general fogginess. Which leads me to the unexpected realization that this much resisted cleanse , has become my "reset" point for feeling good.  This is fortunate because my doctor has asked to see me at the end of the cleanse given my strong reaction to it the first week.

Apparently, more cleansing in the works for me. That I can type these words without crying signals a significant shift--to which I must credit this challenging diet.

Day 18, Resurrection

Gruenewald, visipix.com

 Today will be another "imperfect" day of the cleanse as my family and I make the long trip home after the holiday.

Tomorrow will be a new day--a chance to resurrect my previous success in these last 3 days of the world without dairy, sugar, gluten, alcohol and caffeine.

Day 17, Failure?

 Okay, so I'm still out of town, and still only partially cleansing. I wake up each morning clear that I only want cleansing foods--even in the face of bagels and scrapple and coffee--but by late afternoon, I'm also clear that I want the ease and pleasure of holiday delights with extended family.

It may be time to admit cleansing failure, at least in the absolute sense. I like absolutes. There's a greater sense of satisfaction with them, a stronger sense of attainment. I'm not sure how to "assess" partial adherance to a diet or any other endeavor. I tend to fault myself for anything less than stellar performance.

 On Thanksgiving, my sister had the whole extended family take a personality test. I stood out as the Reformer--the principled, idealistic type--often afraid to make a mistake--and tending toward perfectionism. 

"Fastidious" was another charming descriptor of my personality. The thesaurus sheds some harsh light on that one:  

scrupulous, punctilious, painstaking, meticulous; perfectionist, fussy, finicky, overparticular; critical, overcritical, hypercritical, hard to please, exacting, demanding; informal persnickety, nitpicking, choosy, picky, anal.

 Maybe there is something good in being less than perfect with this cleanse or anything else. Either that, or it's just one juicy holiday rationalization.

Day 16, Off the Wagon

Vicent Van Gogh, visipix.com

At 8 am on Thanksgiving morning, I posted that I was sticking to my cleanse. By 11 am, I had fallen off the wagon. In fact, it left me in the dust--of pie, wine and crusty bread with butter. 

I did skip the chocolate and the caffeine--and I did wake up this morning, and climb right back on that wagon--by choice--in alignment with my body.
 
There were some extenuating circumstances that led to my "fall" from my cleansing diet--as if the holiday wasn't enough. At the last minute, my trip with the family to NYC was canceled, and I found myself traveling to the Jersey shore to see my younger sister, Bonnie, who had just undergone emergency surgery for a perforated appendix.

We thought Bon would be out for Thanksgiving--which is her all time favorite meal--but she spent it suffering in a hospital bed sucking on ice chips while the rest of us enjoyed an unexpected reunion on her behalf.

Life is funny that way.

On the day I left for the shore, I got word that a colleague lost his only son to a car accident while my own son came home from the DMV with his driver's permit in hand.

Somethings are hard to reconcile even more than diets and holidays.

Day 15, The Thanksgiving Anomaly

Is it me or do the words Thanksgiving and "diet" NOT go together?

My extended family is appalled that I "intend" to stick to my cleanse today, but what else can I do? Just have a little stuffing, they say.  But if I do, it will be all over.  I didn't come this far to give up now, and I don't want to have to do this all over again for a very long time--not to mention a time of my choosing.


Who would choose to cleanse at Thanksgiving, some ask; but I didn't choose it, I say, it chose me.

So... there must be some other dieters out there today; some other unlucky cleansers; those who can't ever eat gluten or dairy or imbibe in caffeine or alcohol. How are you faring?

Sure, it's only 8:00 am, so who knows how we'll all do; but from this vantage point, it seems possible to keep my eye on the long-term goal while forgoing fleeting culinary pleasures.

Now that I've typed it, however, I'm not so sure I agree--particularly when the even the clip art of pumpkin pie is calling my name.

I do have my doctor's permission to let loose a bit today.  I'm just not so sure I can face tomorrow if I do.


How about you?

ps. I just had to share this cookbook because it sounds so terrible. What's the point of holidays without fat?

Day 14, MY Marathon

Flegel, visipix.com

 Saturday night was my first time out at a party while on this cleanse--and it was a dessert party!  My husband and I took one swooning look at the table, and he promptly abandoned his wheat-free diet.

I was able to nibble on almonds and grapes while he indulged in whimsical treats like Carie's mocha creme cupcakes and Michelle's dark chocolate toffee bars.

When the dancing began, a friend dragged me onto the floor, whispering, "Saturday night without a glass of wine. How's that going for you?"  


It's surreal, I replied, sipping my apple juice, while she poured herself another glass of red.


Just like every other day of this cleansing journey, I find myself alternating between feeling victimized and feeling enlightened.  Maybe they're one and the same.  Look at history.

When we left the party, close to midnight, we stepped out into a crisp November sky, complete with a full moon. As we walked down the road to our car, my husband admitted that the treats he consumed gave him a temporary pleasure while what he truly desired was the long-term satisfaction of meeting his goals around health and weight.

I admitted that after 10 days without sugar, it was really the cheese and crusty breads that called out to me. It was enough to soak up all the desserts by sight and smell. I had no regrets about what I had missed, though I still felt strangely sorry for myself.

Of course I'm sure that there were other friends there who weren't eating sugar or consuming wheat or drinking alcohol; but this is MY marathon.

I've never run a race or biked across the state or swam around the entire pond, but I have made it 14 DAYS without so much as a slice a bread or chunk of cheese or a drop of maple syrup or a mug of green tea or glass of Chardonnay--and for that, I feel quite proud.

Your company has cheered me along the way.


ps. I wonder if you have favorite organic wines? Years ago my cousin shared that her water tables in California were terribly polluted from all the vineyards. Each time, I chose a wine, I thought of her and all the other people affected by my choices. I know organic wines are better for me and better for the earth and better for my friends and family all around the world.

Day 13, My Lucky Cleanse?

Keisai, visipix.com

Can I blame each suddenly appearing ailment on this cleanse? The whole "retracing" theory certainly makes it convenient to do so.

What else would explain this recent sinus infection? My sinuses haven't plagued me since my twenties; and these glassy, bloodshot eyes are another harbinger of the past.  Neither makes any sense given my outstanding diet of the past 13 days, which includes (in case you've missed it): the elimination of wheat, dairy, sugar and citrus. (Not to mention alcohol and caffeine.)

On the other hand, I like to credit the cleanse for an abrupt shift in a long held propensity.  This past Saturday, I headed into the woods with a pair of work gloves and a large set of clippers to gather boughs to make a wreath.

Of course plenty of women in Vermont (and other places) do this kind of thing, and many of my neighbors even drive tractors or chop wood or build stuff; but I've never been much of a hands on kind of gal.

Something else I'm not, at all, is "crafty," which made it even more bewildering that instead of waiting for my husband to do it, I sat down on the front porch Sunday afternoon and shaped those boughs around a metal frame with a spool of wire.

I've never made a wreath in my life, and I couldn't even look up how to do it on line because Sunday is my "digital diet" day.  What I relied on was my intuition, of which I've always had plenty.

An hour later, when the rest of my family arrived home from errands, they were shocked (as was I) to discover that my wreath turned out looking like--a wreath.

Every time I walk by it, I'm delighted all over again--and I thank my lucky cleanse.



 Note: Here's a wreath that you can order online if you don't have the propensity to make your own either.  I love the smell of Balsam.  It's what kept me going when I tried to make mine. This one has a ribbon and pine cones which mine does not. 

On the other hand, if you live in my hometown of Vermont, you can order a wreath from the elementary school to help support the P& F.

Day 12, Pizza Day!

At this very moment I am enjoying (yes, enjoying) a slice of Amy's Spinach pizza--gluten and dairy free of course.  Unlike last week's frozen meal of Macaroni and Cheese, this one is actually yummy.

 Of course, I use the term "yummy" loosely because I haven't had wheat or cheese in 12 days mind you, and typically I enjoy my husband's homemade pizza; but the crust on this gluten-free frozen one is very "interesting", and crumbly; and I like it.

The cheese is even more fascinating--a mixture of soy mozzarella and ricotta which simply doesn't change it's form even after 12 minutes in the oven at 375 degrees.

The directions require an additional 30 seconds under the broiler to "melt" the cheese--which should have tipped me off.  I left mine in for three times that long, and still, no melting; although some of the pieces wiggled like worms under the high heat.

I put an individual piece under the broiler for an extra few minutes in an attempt to get mine to look like the photo on the box, but I had to resort to eating what appeared to be a piece of frozen pizza. The taste made up for the appearance however. I forgot how much I missed something crumbly in my mouth.

By the way, the headaches have subsided as has the great fatigue, although a sinus infection has taken its place along with some digestive issues--no doubt more "retracing" of my past.

ps. One of the readers has asked about a book for liver cleansing so here's what comes up when I type that into my Amazon affiliate link.  Good luck and let us know how it goes!!

pps. It just occurred to me that I am more than half-way through my 21-day cleanse as of yesterday!

Day 11, More Gratitude

(Note: Day 11's post is coming at you a day early so that I can honor my Sunday practice of "digital dieting.")

I started this cleanse on 11-11, the day upon which I was offered that long-awaited job--the one whose interview led to the chicken wings, which led to the gall bladder attack, which led to the 21 day cleanse, which led to this blog, which led to gratitude expressed here today, and yesterday.

I've learned a lot about myself during the past 11 days--

• about my entitlement around food
• about my reliance on salt and sugar.  
• about my willingness to shove things into my mouth without gratitude. 
• about the way I've stuffed feelings and thoughts without consideration. 
• about how long I've been willing to tolerate an intolerable digestion.  

I've learned to appreciate the subtle treat of fruit again, and to delight in the variety of vegetables, and to embrace a simpler, gentler diet.

I've also learned about scalps. Yes, scalps.  Just yesterday, my hairdresser told me that I had a tight scalp. Did you know that you could have a tight scalp?  I spent the afternoon walking around rubbing everyone's head to see if I could feel the difference.

If you have a softer one, you're lucky, especially if you're a guy.  Men with tighter scalps have less blood flow to the hair follicles and thus bald earlier, or something like that, because she was talking kind of fast, and my head was under water, and I was worrying about all the hair that's been falling out.

Which got me to thinking, maybe my headaches are related to my tight scalp; and maybe I could work on softening it--through massage, and awareness, and generally less tightness around life.

See how much I've learned on my cleanse? 

(They actually sell scalp massagers.)

Day 10, A Feast of Gratitude

Beyeren, visipix.com

 Something about reaching the double-digits of my cleanse lends a great sense of accomplishment--and I have EACH of you to thank--because without you, I may have given up days ago!

While 300+ readers in 10 days is a table crumb in the virtual world, by  human standards, it's an abundant feast!  So whether you've just stopped by once, or every day; whether you're on a cleanse (or diet) yourself--or thinking of one--or already suffered through one, I THANK YOU for the gift of your company.


ps. some may have welcomed this abbreviated post, but if it's left you a bit un-satiated, click here for more gratitude with: The Thanksgiving Miracle.

Day 9: Cleansing THOUGHTS

 In my post from day 7 (Liver 411), I share that cleansing includes a mysterious process named retracing:

"The symptoms and stages of a disease peel off like an onion with the most recent symptoms disappearing first until you get to the core of the problem. Often you must revisit symptoms you have not experienced in years." The Alternative Medicine Angel

In fact, I've recently had the "pleasure" of revisting my college ulcer, my gallbladder attack, my semester with a mono and a decade of migraines.  What I didn't expect to revisit were states of mind--like anger, sorrow, depression and most notably--dissatisfication.

I know that's not a word. I have spell check too. But it should be, because it's the word I want. It's the one that best describes my perennial dis-eased condition;  which makes me wonder--is this state the root of my symptoms? And if it is, how do I rid myself of it?

I was once told that I was the best "nit picker" in town; and it was a compliment. She actually had lice and I was able to find eggs that her husband and the school nurse missed.

Gross, right?  Sometimes attention to detail puts you in weird places.  

I've read that a woman can spot a cat hair on a sweater across a room, but a man can't see it in the bowl of cereal in front of him.

How do I keep my eye for order (and beauty) without fault finding--particularly with myself?

I recently purchased something to help with this faulty equation-- Jen Louden's, The Satisfaction Finder.  In this download from the web, Jen teaches us to create "containers of enoughness" around each day and each of our goals.  (Look, she invented her own word too--enoughness.) 

I've used these containers--loosely--but I've failed to follow up with the agreement to be satisfied with myself at the end of the day despite my success.  There's always so much more I can be or do.

In our early years together, my lover threatened my incessant questing with a lobotomy. It may be that this drastic measure is the only way for me to STOP; or maybe I just need to take up pot.

But I don't want either of those. Like the late sweet crooner, John Denver sang...

"I've been lately thinking about my life's time, all the things I've done, how it's been.  And I can't help believing in my own mind. I know I'm going to hate to see it end."

Of course, in that song he also sang about, "passing the pipe around" with his Old Lady.

I'm on my way to becoming a real Old Lady, and I'd like to be a satisfied one. My guess is that there's something beneath the layer of my nit picking, and hyper-vigilant fault-finding--something deeper that has to do with...fear and protection.

With 13 days remaining on this cleanse of illness and emotion and thought, I'm sure I'll find out...


ps.  Don't even make fun of me for the late, you know who.  I grew up in the Rockies.

pps. And here's another treasure from Jen Louden--The Life Organizer, which is a book that I use every week to help align my actions with my deeper intentions.  (Shhh: It's for women, but my husband loves it too. We make it a regular date.)

Day 8, The NOT Allowed List

Vermeyen, visipix.com

 Like me, you might lack sympathy for friends embarking on a cleansing diet because you have no idea what that means.  Thus in an effort to generate greater compassion, I'd like to offer the full list of "not allowed" foods on my 21 day liver cleanse:

• red meat (including pork and veal), cold cuts, hot dogs, sausage, eggs, egg substitutes;
• milk, cheese, cottage cheese, yogurt, ice cream, goat & sheep cheeses, non-dairy creamers, any products made with casein;
• all corn and corn-containing products;
• all breads and cereals made from wheat, oat, spelt, kamut, rye, barley & other glutenous grains;
• citrus, strawberries, dried fruit preserved with sulfites;
• coffee, tea, cocoa, postum, alcoholic beverages, soda, sweetened beverages, citrus drinks;
• margarine, shortening, butter, refined oils, salad dressings, spreads;
• peanuts pistachios, peanut butter, macadamia nuts;
• brown sugar, honey, molasses, maple syrup, corn syrup, fructose, vinegar;
• salt, soy sauce, mayo, ketchup

 And while I'm tapping your compassion, has it occurred to anyone else that THANKSGIVING falls within my 21 days of restriction?  I mean, what's the point of turkey without stuffing and pie?

Day 7, Liver 411

visipix.com

Faced with a constant foggy headache, I went searching the Web for more information about the mechanics of this liver detoxification process.  Here are highlights from what I found at: Alternative Medicine Angel, including some fascinating cultural perspective.

"In some foreign countries the liver is deemed so important to health that the groom promises his liver to his bride as opposed to his heart. In fact, in most places outside the US, the liver is considered critically important to good health, and natural liver therapy abounds to maintain this critical organ."

 I always took it for granted that we focused on the heart in the U.S., but the liver certainly has some vitally overlooked roles:

"The liver is literally the body's filter. It makes sure that everything we need is absorbed, and everything that we don't need gets dumped. Just a few of its major jobs are:

Accesses the energy we need from proteins, fats, and carbohydrates.

Stores vitamins, minerals, and sugars.

Filters the blood, removing all kinds of harmful substances.

Metabolizes, helps utilize, and eliminates excess hormones.

Creates substances that enhance our immune system (like gamma globulin).

Stores extra blood for emergencies.

Helps maintain our electrolyte and water balance.

Helps us utilize fat-soluble vitamins (like A, D, E, F, and K).

Creates bile, which breaks down fats."

The site goes on to explain the concept of "retracing" which I find completely intriguing though I'm still not satisfied as to understanding the mechanics of it:

"The old-time healers knew that the path to recovery is often in stages...The symptoms and stages of a disease peel off like an onion with the most recent symptoms disappearing first until you get to the core of the problem. Often you must revisit symptoms you have not experienced in years. After returning to fight one last battle with your immune system, these symptoms disappear for good."

Additionally, there was some disturbing information about something called the "Herxheimer reaction":

"It occurs when our body is killing and throwing off microbes (bacteria, viruses, yeasts, etc.) in larger amounts than our organs of elimination (kidneys, bowels, etc.) can handle. This phenomenon is a good sign that something is being accomplished in the body. However, the symptoms of this reaction can be quite severe depending on the toxicity. These flu-like symptoms can include rash, aches, pains, fever, diarrhea, constipation, exhaustion, and headache, usually occurring on the last few days of a three week detoxification. So it's important to plan a liver cleansing to end on a day or days when you can take off work if necessary. Do not take the liver system and its detoxification lightly."

Um...  I'm starting a new job toward the end of my cleanse and was thinking I would have cleared all the hurdles by then. (Gulp.)  I guess it's time to give my doctor a call.

I'm also wondering about shifting to the supplement described below rather than the one my doctor prescribed--the one inducing the headaches.  Interestingly, it's the one my chiropractor suggested when I first encountered the gall bladder attack (before I began the cleanse), and it worked miracles--without headaches:

"Dr. Bruce West from Health Alert recommends 2-3 AF Betafood tablets per meal for three to nine months. This product is a concentration of the liver detoxifiers and bile thinners from beets. For any of the symptoms associated with sluggish bile, this product can be a miracle. A surgeon friend of his from New Orleans testified that he performs less than 10% of the gallbladder surgeries he once did now that he prescribes AF Betafood."

 Note: all of the text quoted above comes from the site:  Alternative Medicine Angel; which brings to mind an interesting book I recently read written by an ER doctor around his experience of angels.  (I bought it for my brother in law who's an ER doc, but read it myself first :)

Day 6, Comfort(ing) Food

Here are some tips for those of you who are accustomed to your Mac & Cheese being glutenous and dairy-full.

#1 You might not want to take a big whiff of the Gluten/Dairy-free Mac & Cheese before you eat it.

#2 Serve it on your favorite plate.

#3 Add lots of pepper for edge and aroma.

#4 Give it a second and third and maybe fourth chance before you toss it. Remember, it did cost $4 and took a 1/2 hour to prepare (not to mention stirring after 20 minutes.)

#5 Although homemade Mac & Cheese really requires no side dish, this entree most certainly does.  I suggest a salad of spicy greens that you can mix into the "noodles" to offset some of the non-dairy after taste.

Though I'm not eager to repeat this gluten & dairy free culinary pleasure anytime soon, I did appreciate the look and feel of Mac & Cheese, even if the taste failed to meet my expectations.

It reminds of a time when I was traveling abroad alone.  I headed into a movie theater to watch an American film, forgetting that it wouldn't be in English.

Like the gluten and dairy free Mac & Cheese, the subtitles didn't quite hit the spot, but comfort is always worth the try.



Note: if you can have wheat on your cleanse, this Macaroni with Soy cheese fares much better as a comforter.

Day 5, Bloated Breasts?

Manet, detail, visipix.com

 Who knew that breasts could bloat?  Mine apparently do-because suddenly they're suppler and more comfortable, like my belly. (Don't get too excited, that's about all this post has to say about breasts.)


I think I'm finally finding my cleansing stride. I just taught my Monday morning YogaDance class-- without passing out; and I'm no longer as panicked about what to eat.  In fact, today, I'm treating myself to Macaroni and Cheese!  And don't worry, it's miraculously gluten and dairy free.  (Yes, this concerns me too, but a girl can dream.)

The headache, on the other hand, like a stalled weather system, has parked out in my skull. Today, I'm going to brave it though and take another dose of the detox regimen with the hope that it won't elevate me to migraine status again.

It's funny how the cleanse brings about the expression of your weakest link.  My friend got cold sores and hives during hers; another's acne got worse; and still another had acute abdominal pain--which makes me realize how little compassion or understanding I've offered to friends who've endured cleanses before mine.

I never asked them if they were getting enough to eat or if they were feeling okay.  I didn't notice their skin, or ask them about bellies; or their breasts for that matter (there, that was for those of you who were only here for the breasts.)

I have to say that my belly is much happier than ever on this diet; and my husband keeps complimenting my skin.  He's even thinking about trying the cleanse himself.  Friends of ours did it together, and that makes sense.  It's a lot work, particularly at dinner, when I have to prepare two different meals. 

That said, the family system may be better served when only one person is in crisis at a time. I can't imagine what this past weekend would have looked like if my husband was as miserable as I.  And finding food, like Macaroni & Cheese without gluten or dairy, isn't easy--and it ain't cheap.

(Sadly it doesn't smell too good either.)




ps. Here's a link to the brand I found, though this one is only gluten free, not dairy.

Day 4, A New Day

Friedrich, visipix.com

Okay, it wasn't that much of a "New Day," but the migraine backed off a bit and that felt very good--by comparison.

When I'm not totally discouraged by how I feel, I'm fascinated by it. How is this all happening simply by changing my diet?  What is the mechanism in the body that causes these symptoms?  How is the body able to "retrace" previous health issues?

Last night my migraine took me all the way back to Switzerland, 1990, when I ate an entire malted chocolate bar and then experienced the worse pain in my head in my life. Then it transported further back to 1984, just before I left for London, when my highschool boyfriend dropped me on the side of my head. (Don't ask.)

And frequently, this great fatigue places me back at college when I'd walk the 13 blocks to campus from my apartment, and then never make it to class because I simply had to take lie down for a minute on the couch in the library, not knowing I had mono, and would sleep for hours. 

Have I mentioned that I can't have salt?   

(I just keep staring at the pretty pink Himalayan salt that I just bought...)

Day 3, Migraine

Van Gogh, visipix.com

The headache was there waiting when I woke at 2:30 am and when I woke at 6:30 am, upon which I decided to get out of bed and birth this blog so that I might make some sense out of this suffering before I bailed on it.

The truth is that I appreciate the restriction of the diet.  I appreciate the attention to my eating habits--to my ruts--and how it forces me out of them. Without sugar or salt or baked goods, I've been able to savor the delicacy of simple flavors. And this feels good, and right, and true.

On the upside of pain,the headache has been an excellent distraction from the mental and emotional anguish over the deprivation of food. And that makes me realize how pathetic I am, how entitled I've become around meeting my every craving; and how necessary this discipline is, despite and because of the pain.

Day 2, The Fog

Stringberg, visipix.com

 I had all intentions of accompanying my son to All School Sing this morning, but my head was in such a fog. (TMI alert~I was also afraid to be too far from my toilet.)

I opted out on taking the next dose of the detox regimen with my morning pudding since my doctor said to back off if I didn't feel well.  I'd take one with my stir fry at lunch.

By mid-day however, all I wanted to do was sleep so I skipped that dose too. I dragged myself upstairs to collapse on the bed, adding an eye mask to block out the bright sun.  Afterward I planned to take a vigorous walk like I had the day before with Jess in order to do the requisite sweating.

But I felt just as tired after my nap as I had before it.  All I could manage was a convalescent stroll down to the pond where I squatted against a rock, and wished the ground wasn't damp so that I could lie down and go to sleep.

By the time I got back up my driveway, every horizontal surface appeared as a place for reclining and I had flash backs of my semester at college with mono.

 This must be the "retracing" that I read about online.  In some yet mysterious way, detoxing apparently releases old illness patterns.  I worried what would come next.  I certainly abused my liver in my hey day, growing up on an island town where drinking was a competitive sport.

By night fall, I had a miserable headache so I skipped the last dose of my protocol too, wondering if it was the pills or the dietary restriction that were causing this suffering.  I also began to question whether or not I would be able to continue with the cleanse--which given the investment at the doctor's office, and the pharmacy, and the return trip to the grocery store, would be a very costly failure that I couldn't afford.

Note: here's the detox supplement that my doctor prescribed for me:

Day 1, 11-11, The Hero's Journey

Spitzweg, visipix.com

 I woke early prepared to face the great challenge that lie ahead:  What would I eat for breakfast? 

While nibbling the last bites of a sesame bagel the previous evening, I drafted a list of possibilities--most of which included rice. I cooked up two pots--one for savory dishes, and another for sweet--albeit without any sweetener.

At 6:30 on the morning of the first full day of my "cleanse", I heroically toasted pecans and dusted apples with cinnamon to add flair and sustenance to my breakfast pudding simmering on the stove. 

An hour later, my youngest came galloping down the stairs saying, "Yum! Rice pudding, can I have some?" I begrudgingly doled out a small bowl of my only provisions, as he sat down to a breakfast of Gail's farm eggs, Canadian bacon and toasted oat bread from Amy's Bakery on Main Street. 

At 8:30, the phone rang, and I received the news that set the dire need for a cleanse into motion tow week earlier. It was a Friday afternoon when I had an interview with this organization that knocked my socks off. Afterward, I met my husband at a Tavern where we shared the fateful chicken wings that attacked my gallbladder for hours into a sleepless night.

For days I couldn't eat a thing without great suffering which is what brought me to my doctor's office and dumped me into this strange world without gluten or dairy or sugar or alcohol or I can't remember what else, but it's bad.

"Kelly, if you're still interested in working with us, we'd like to offer you the position," the voice on the phone said, not knowing that I would only be eating rice for three weeks.

My friend Jess arrived an hour later for our walk, presenting me with two celebratory scones.


"I can't.  I told her. I'm on a three-week liver cleanse."

"You?" she said.  "I thought you only thought about cleanses, but didn't actually do them."

"I know, I know," I said. "But this time, I don't have a choice."

"I'm so sorry," she said, with a sincerity that I dismissed as disproportionate.

I didn't tell her that I had just started the cleanse an hour earlier.  I wasn't sure she could understand how hard it had been to face a morning without green tea and toast, and how there was no way I could endure starting all over again having made it this far into this insane commitment.

But Jess understood more than I knew.  She did the same cleanse last spring and had even invited me to do it with her. Knowing that, I should have been more suspect of her compassion and concern, but I had yet to learn what lie ahead...


ps. The Moosewood is where I found the recipe for the rice pudding which I made with rich soy milk.  Mollie offers good, wholesome recipes in all her cookbooks.   As far as soy milk, there's only one I really like for its rich, satisfying flavor, and that's Eden Soy in the original flavor. It's great for making chai too!

Day 0, The Last Supper

da Vinci, visipix.com

 After hosting a dozen people at my table during an extended weekend of company, I was forced to squeeze in another trip to the grocery store before my doctor's appointment. I wish I hadn't. By the time I left the office, the sun had fallen behind the hills, and I walked toward my car in a daze.  I needed to go shopping all over again.

Most of what filled the burgeoning bags in the back of my trunk were on the "not allowed" side of the goldenrod paper trembling in my hand.  Right away, my mind drifted toward the soft sesame bagels that I had selected for an easy dinner.

Despite 12 days of stomach pain, I decided that I wouldn't begin the much needed liver cleanse until after I enjoyed my last supper.